A Raw Deal

   Hello Friends, today I want to talk to you about something a little more raw than usual, forgiveness. What does it really mean to forgive, to move on, to bury the hatchet, so to speak? And how can we go about doing this, especially with the really big hurts in our lives? 

  Let's start with the definition of forgiveness, what it is, and what it isn't. Forgiveness, for starters, does not mean you have amnesia. It does not mean you never think of that person or situation again. It also does not mean naivete. Forgiving someone does not mean you put yourself back into a position of trust or familiarity with them if they do not deserve it. Forgiveness does not mean a restored relationship. Sometimes relationships need to stay broken, and forgiveness needs to happen from a distance. I believe this is especially the case with survivors of trauma, domestic abuse, or toxic relationships. You can forgive while still protecting yourself from more harm. 

  That said, if all those things aren't forgiveness, then what is? I found this definition from Oxford Languages online. "Forgive:  to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake." This is why forgiveness is so powerful, and so important. Because, while we may have a right to be angry over a situation, and I am not suggesting you should never be angry. To continue to hold onto anger and resentment long term will destroy us from the inside out. Have you ever heard the expression, "Drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die?" That's what holding on to anger and resentment does. It destroys us; it keeps us from moving forward, and it steals our peace. 

  Now, I don't know about you, but I don't want the people who hurt me to have the satisfaction of stealing one more ounce of joy from me. I want to live fully, and for me, that means forgiveness is one of my core principles. 

  But I would like to suggest to you that forgiveness, like so many other things in life, is a practice. I don't think it's an overnight thing, and often, I think we have to forgive the same people repeatedly to get the healing we need. Here's what I mean. If forgiveness doesn't come naturally to you, like it doesn't for most of us, then start small. Forgive that person for cutting you in line. Forgive the driver who cut you off in traffic. Forgive your significant other for forgetting to pick up milk on the way home. These little acts of forgiveness will begin to build your emotional muscle, so to speak, so that you are more prepared to forgive when big things happen in life. 

  Another question we often wrestle with is how to forgive someone when we don't feel like it. After all, forgiveness is letting go of anger and resentment, but how can we do that when we still feel angry and resentful? I believe this is part of the practice as well. Like in physical training, sometimes we have to go through the motions until our bodies and minds catch up. So, perhaps you cannot forgive your spouse yet for ruining your favorite sweater in the dryer. Go to a private space and practice saying out loud, "I forgive you." And put a smile on your face when you do. As you practice this, it may not feel natural at first, and it may take a few days before you can actually say it to your spouse, but you will be training your mind and body to begin letting go of anger and resentment. 

  "Ok, that's great." You might be saying, "But what about the really big things, the important things like social injustice, abuse, violence, betrayal?" These situations are big and complex, and if you're going through them, I recommend you seek outside help, like a professional counselor to work through them. But here is how this applies to those situations. We have a right and perhaps even an obligation to be angry about these situations. Social injustice should infuriate us. Violence should make us angry toward the aggressor. However, it is unusual for us to function at our best when we are angry. And if we are to resolve some of these bigger problems, we have to be able to do it from our best selves. We have to be clear headed and wise to navigate these major situations, and anger and resentment will only get in the way. Hatred only begets more hatred, and that is why forgiveness is so crucial. 

  In these situations, if we are to overcome them, we have to put in the practice, over and over again. I believe we have to employ several strategies here. The first, like we talked about, is practice. The second is compassion. Sometimes we have to try to see things from another perspective and know that, while this does not justify the other person's actions, it does explain them. Hurt people do hurt people. Let's end that cycle. 

  This week, I saw an article featuring a person who was extremely detrimental to me growing up. The article talked about how wonderful and sweet and kind this person was, and to be honest, it immediately filled me with rage. I wanted to write an angry letter, throw my computer, tell the world what a sham that person was. But all these emotions shocked me, because I had forgiven that person years ago. So why was I so filled with anger now? 

  This got me thinking, often times forgiveness, especially for those bigger hurts, is not a one time deal. It may be a minute by minute laying down of anger and resentment. We may have to lay those emotions down time and again when they seize us and try to derail our lives. As I wrestled with these emotions, I reached for my practice. I spoke the words again. "I forgive you." I reminded myself of the reasons behind this person's actions, that, while still wrong, were more understandable, and I released that resentment again. And you know what, once I released those emotions, I was able to move on and enjoy my day, without being shackled by the weight of unforgiveness. 

  I'm not saying those emotions will never come back. And I will probably never be part of any organization with which this individual is involved. But I do know that I have freed myself by releasing the anger and resentment and choosing to forgive. And I believe that freedom and forgiveness are possible for you too.

  If you are hurting today, if you are filled with anger and resentment over a situation, either recent or long past, make the decision to begin practicing forgiveness, and free yourself from that person or situation. You deserve healing. You deserve joy. Forgiveness is a step on that path. I can't wait to see you succeed.

~K.L.W.