A Little Bit of Honesty

  Ok, I'm going to get really honest with you tonight, and if you want to judge you can, but I hope that most of you will find this helpful.  So, here it is.  Raising a child with a behavioral disorder is not fun.  Yup.  I said it.  I don't really enjoy parenting most days.  It's not that I don't want to.  I really try, but it's just not easy when every day is a battle.  We have therapist appointments multiple times a week.  There are meetings with doctors, meetings with insurance companies, and a seemingly never ending list of new strategies to try.  Now, before you get too worked up, let me reassure you.  I love my son.  But most days I am ready to not see him for eight hours when he goes to bed at night.
  For a long time I wrestled with God.  I asked "Why?"  a lot.  "Why me?"  After losing my first child, it felt like being robbed to have a second child that I was so happy to receive and then have raising him be a nightmare.  "Why would God do this to me?"  I wondered.  I wanted to be a good mom.  I wanted to give my son the world and then some.  But I felt bitter, disillusioned, let down.  Every flowery mom post on Facebook about how wonderful being a mother is left me wanting to throw something.
  But at the height of some of my deepest struggles and most discouraging moments, I was given a light.  I was given a new perspective.  And although it wasn't the answer I wanted right then, it was the answer I needed.  The shift came in the form of something my pastor says quite frequently.  Most weeks it was a struggle to make it out the door to church, and once we got there trying to keep my child from screaming, running around, and generally wreaking havoc in the first few minutes of worship was a nightmare in itself.  By the time he got off to children's church I was spent.  I would sit in my pew just begging God to help me make it through another day.  I didn't know how I was going to keep on keeping on.  The first time I heard my pastor say, "Children are not a burden.  They are a blessing."  I wanted to get up and walk out right there.  "Ya, right.  Funny. Ok God, that's a good one.  Rub it in a little more."  But despite my mental protest, I tried to let that thought sink in.  I started telling myself in tough moments, "Children are a blessing, not a burden."  I started thanking God instead of complaining.  I started choosing to celebrate the tiniest good moments instead of crying over the other 23 hours and 38 minutes of chaos in a day.   And bit by bit, things got easier.  Has his behavior improved?  A little, but what has really changed is my attitude and outlook.  I realize that I have a very unique blessing in my child, and these challenges are preparing me for more doors of opportunity in the future.
  I just want to encourage you today.  Whatever challenge you are facing may not change or go away right now.  Believe me, I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better, but as of yet that hasn't happened.  But I am resolved that no matter what obstacle I come up against as a mother, I will choose to see my child as a blessing, not a burden.  Begin today to speak positively over whatever struggle you are going through.  Know that God is working in you and through you to do something greater than you could ever imagine, and if you are willing to keep you chin up, keep going, and trust God to walk with you through it, you will come out on the other side a stronger, better, and more equipped version of yourself.
  If you are hurting right now, I am praying for you friend.  I know what it feels like to feel let down and jaded about life, but you are destined for greatness.  Don't let your situation destroy you.  Instead allow it to mold you into a gem.  I'm working through this life with you, and I can't wait to see you succeed!

~K.W.